Running is a physical journey, but it also has a huge mental aspect. Today I wanted to share that side of my journey with you.
This is pretty personal to me and is something I've umm-ed and ahh-ed about posting, so please be kind if you're reading this!
When I first made a conscious effort to run regularly in 2009, it was the perfect way to clear my head. I was 16 and loved the freedom of pounding the roads. Whenever a boy had upset me or my parents and I weren't getting along, tying my laces and going out for an hour put everything into perspective and was a great release.
As I got older and made my way through university, my worries felt bigger than they used to. There had always been a set path for me to take and an end goal- finishing school, passing my exams at uni, getting a job- there was always a target. As I ticked these off and my path became a little more unclear, I became very anxious about where I was headed and how I would support myself. These high levels of stress and anxiety boiled over into panic attacks.
What happens?
For someone who hasn't experienced it, a panic attack is very difficult to understand. Everyone is different, but some of the symptoms include struggling to breathe, increased heart rate, feelings of claustrophobia, hot or cold flushes, nausea, tingling in hands and feet and uncontrollable crying. It can last for a few minutes or for some, even hours. It all happens very quickly and is extremely scary when you don't know what's happening.
Your mind makes a note of the situation in which the attack happens- the location, setting, people around you, thoughts and feelings. Sometimes elements of the previous situation may trigger another attack, regardless of your anxiety levels.
When I first started experiencing these panic attacks I had been having some down time from running. It was over a busy few weeks when other things had to take priority. In all honesty, I hadn't made a mental note of the lack of miles and one afternoon headed out for a short run. It all started absolutely fine, but whilst running up a hill my breath shallowed (as it does when you're exercising) and I felt my body tightening and closing up. It's difficult to explain all of the feelings, but what it comes down to is me experiencing a full blown panic attack mid-run on the side of a busy road. Just goes to show- it can happen anywhere. I ended up cutting my run short and spending an hour collecting myself on the side of the road before I made it home.
Exercise is supposed to be one of the best things for someone with anxiety, but the similarities with exercising and my previous panic attacks- shortness of breath, increased heart rate, muscle tightening etc. triggered the memories of panic and sent me into this attack. I would have 100% liked to have avoided running from then on. I didn't ever want to feel like that again, but giving in and letting it overtake me wasn't an option. Luckily for me (or unluckily?!) I was training for multiple half marathons and the Paris Marathon at the time, which I had my heart set on.
Gradually, I worked on getting through that feeling and making steps to be able to run without fear of having a panic attack. It meant that sometimes I would go out and only run 1km, but that was still 1km where I had full control over my breathing and stopped my memory from triggering an attack.
There are still times where I workout to the extent that my breath becomes short and I feel myself beginning to have a panic attack. The one big sign for me personally is a feeling of pins and needles in my hands. As soon as I feel like that I know to concentrate on my breathing and mentally take myself out of the room. In most cases I won't actually leave the room, as I don't want to run away from the situation, but I concentrate on calming myself and getting through it.
Whether you're someone reading this post who has panic attacks yourself, or someone you know does, please take away the fact that it is possible to get through and it doesn't have to be something that defines your life. I'm not saying it's easy- it's far from it, but you are 110% strong enough to get past it.
Please comment below- let me know your experiences, whether it be you personally or someone else. I'd love to hear from you :) You never know who it might help out!
